Make Middle-earth Great Again

lord_of_the_rings_by_studiomuku

Dear Númenor,

It’s been a long slow decline into mediocrity for this fair island. It’s time to make Middle-earth great again, starting with our proud country. People say it can’t be done. Idiots. Not only is it possible – but I’m just the sorcerer to do it.

Everything was fine when it was just the Edain, but ever since these Eldar started immigrating we have lost our greatness. Without the permission of the Valar, these foreigners have come into our land with their weird languages and customs, and sowed the seeds of chaos. We had a wise ruler in the form of Melkor, but the Eldar waged an unjust war against him. Now Middle-earth is adrift without a strong leader to guide us. The only way to give our land the peace and security it deserves is to elect a new Dark Lord, and submit unconditionally to his will. I am just the Dark Lord for the job.

I vow to make Middle-earth great again. Tell your local priest that you want to worship me in ritual blood sacrifice. We will build a wall to hold off the immortal hordes, and we will make the Eldar pay for it. Some people think that Dwarves make the best walls. Others think it is the Noldor. They’re all wrong. I make the best walls. Everyone knows my walls are huge. Ask anyone – Angband had the best walls in Arda.

The Eldar are not sending their best. They are sending thieves, kin-slayers and weaklings. Just look at Celebrimbor. What a lightweight. He’s weak. Ask anyone. Everyone knows that I am better at making Rings than the Elves. My rings, they’re powerful. People know that when a ring is made by Sauron, it is filled with Power. When they are held in fetters as thralls in my slave armies, they know exactly whose ring holds them against their will. Celebrimbor’s rings? Weak. Everyone knows they’re weak. I have the best rings.

Some have accused me of feasting on mankind’s fear and ignorance. They’re just jealous. Weaklings want to praise the Eldar without respecting the power of their own race. Elves get credit for introducing language, art, poetry, ship-building, farming and animal husbandry. What has that done for man, other than bring more misery? At the end of day, we cannot trust anyone but ourselves. Elves are simply too alien. The only way to ensure safety in the face of such an unknowable force is to keep the races of Elves and Men apart. We must be separate but equal.

I urge you to let your voices be heard in the long droning chant of the doomed. Until darkness reigns over all of Arda, I remain your humble slave-master.

Sauron

Lidless Eye

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16 Responses to Make Middle-earth Great Again

  1. Chad says:

    I think I heard this exact speech last night on CNN.

  2. Ar-Pharazôn the Golden approves this message.

  3. Fouilloux says:

    Wow! That’s fantastic!

  4. I so want to understand this.. I can glean some meaning by looking up every other word but I am just not experienced enough in the LotR lore to get it.

    Is there a really good place to start? I finally decided (after failing three times) to read the main trilogy and then move on to The Silmarillion once I am finished.

    By the way, I love Beorn’s Path! I am making my way through it now (on Journey to Rhosgobel right now). Teaching me a ton about the game!

    • Beorn says:

      Sauron brought about the downfall of Númenor. This is a bit of satire about the current political climate in the United States of America.

  5. nacho says:

    I can’t understand that people in the USA can be agree with the speech of people like Donald Trump.
    Here in Europe we’re experiencing a very worrying rise of the far right (mainly in Germany, Austria and Holland).

    May be we’ve forgotten all the horrors of WW2. I hope not.

    • Fouilloux says:

      Well, we also have some issues in France, it is really possible that the far right might be in the second turn of the presidential election. But well, somebody said that nothing is lost “Not if we hold true to each other” (it somewhat warms my heart to hear people from other countries sharing their concern about this darkness)

  6. theredeagle says:

    Well-timed, and well played, sir. Chaucer, Pope, Twain, Vonnegut…and now Beorn. Satire lives!

  7. ChasmosaurusChris says:

    I’m so glad you wrote this. Great satire!

  8. John Kalich says:

    And who would you like instead? Hillary? A liar, responsible for American deaths in Benghazi, a criminal on many accounts, and countless other things that would ruin our country? Or Bernie Sanders, a socialist who would destroy the American dream of being able to work hard and get money? Look around the world, and see how well socialism works. It doesn’t. It destroys countries and makes people lazy. We need to focus on the real political issues of this country and how to save it from falling of the cliff, and restore capitalism, and protect our great Constitution that our fathers fought for. When it comes down to looking at the polices Hillary would do to our country, and the polices Trump would do, it is such a clear decision on who would destroy the country, and who would be able to turn the country around and bring it back to a prosperous place where we all can live out our dream. Are there better people then Trump? Yes! However, you have to look at who we have against Hillary. And anyone, including Trump would be a thousand times better then Hillary. Bringing politics into your hobby blog is very sad to see. But since you have shared your opinion, I find it only fair to share mine. Hope you can get back to some LOTR! Thanks for your great content!

    • Beorn says:

      I think that you misunderstood my intent here.

      • Andras Csefalvay says:

        And who would you like instead? Thingol? A liar, responsible for elven deaths in Doriath, a criminal on many accounts, and countless other things that would ruin our country? Or Finrod Felagund, a pacifist who would destroy the noldorin dream of being able to work hard and spread out our land? Look around the world, and see how well pacifist cavedwellers prosper. They dont. It destroys countries and makes people lazy. We need to focus on the real political issues of this country and how to save it from falling of the cliff, and restore hive thinking, and protect our great Forstress that our fathers fought for. When it comes down to looking at the polices Thingol would do to our country, and the polices Sauron would do, it is such a clear decision on who would destroy the country, and who would be able to turn the country around and bring it back to a prosperous place where we all can live out our dream. Are there better lieutenants then Sauron? Yes! However, you have to look at who we have against Thingol. And anyone, including Sauron would be a thousand times better then Thingol. Bringing politics into your jewelers book is very sad to see. But since you have shared your opinion, I find it only fair to share mine. Hope you can get back to some Ringmaking! Thanks for your great content!

      • Beorn says:

        This is perfect. Thank you.

      • Efrenciscus says:

        Great Andras!!! Oh man, what a good laugh 😀 Thanks for the GREAT article too! This blog is sooo nice 🙂

  9. Fouilloux says:

    Great answer Andras!

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