Troll of the Week: “Ray Lunettes”

This just goes to show, in this day and age, with so many foul creatures prowling Rhovanion, you can never let your guard down. Just when I thought that I had the last of the trolls cleared out from the Carrock, one more comes wandering up, spouting in their gibbering language and trying to piss on my beehives.

Now ordinarily, I would have dispatched him straight away. But this lout, amazingly possessed of the capacity for the common speech, said something that disturbed me greatly. This troll, a certain “Ray Ban Lunettes”, if that is his real name, said:


Now I can understand that these poor dumb creatures believe lies about the Dark Lord, he long ago bent their hearts to his evil purposes. But when they start trying to spread this foolishness to the free peoples of Middle-Earth, well that just makes my paws clench. Now I know better than to try and reason with a troll, so I ended him then and there with two mighty swipes. What concerns me however, is not the troll blood splattered all over my precious beehives, it is the thought that any other good people might have heard this dumb beast. Worse still, it frightens me – yes even the mighty Beorn knows fear, to imagine that anyone may have believed him.

Panda Sugar SkullLet me just make one thing clear, once and for all. The usurper, the betrayer, cursed be his name, Sauron did not invent Halloween! I happen to know from a very reliable source that Mandos, god of the dead, created Halloween as a day to celebrate loved ones who have passed beyond the veil.

My elvish is a bit rusty, so you’ll forgive the poor pronunciation, but I believe the day is referred to in the Sindarin tongue as “Dia de los Mandos”. In any case, it a wonderful day to make sugar skulls, light candles, sing songs, and commemorate those we have lost. Like all of the lies of the enemy, Sauron takes the truth and twists it to serve his needs. When he saw what Mandos had done, his heart burned with jealousy. Rather than come up with his own holiday (who wants to have a party in Barad-dûr anyway? It is a smelly, drafty place), he tried to co-opt the elves’ celebration and turn it to his own evil designs.

Sugar Bear DollWell, I for one will not sit back and let this happen! So the next time some smelly troll tries to tell you an old wives tale about Sauron inventing holidays, you tell them that Beorn has two things to say about it: left paw, and right paw.

I bid you all good day, and be sure to keep a skeptical mind when talking to strangers. The Wilderland is filled with many wondrous things, but it is also stuffed with more idiots than you can shake a paw at. When in doubt ask yourself, “if Gandalf were here, what would he have to say about this?”. That wisdom has never proven ill for me.

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